Emotional Pornography
I watched the pilot episode of Glee when it premiered a few months before the show was to begin airing regularly. It was decent enough to at least give some time to the next few episodes. But by the end of episode two, I was getting a little uneasy. As I watched it, I was becoming aware of what the writers wanted me to feel – the good guy teacher to cheat on his evil wife with the gentle co-worker, and the main male character to cheat on his hypocritical Christian girlfriend with his female lead counterpart.
It was one thing to want the characters in the show to do this thing or that, but I turned it off in the middle of a scene in which that male student finally decided to cheat on his girlfriend. It wasn’t because I was offended at the content before my eyes. Rather, in that moment, there was a transference of energy. I found myself thinking about whose girlfriend I should have stolen in high school and how exciting it would have been.
There’s certainly a war against the prevalence of visual pornography in many corners of our society – especially in the Christian culture. There is an attempt to expose pornography for its promotion of unrealistic sexual expectations and exploitation of human sexuality. But what about the unhealthy emotional and relational expectations portrayed in so much of our media?
Flash back to Nashville, May of 09. I’m driving in a rental car, scanning radio stations. I stop on the local Christian station, and the female DJ is talking about the coming “The Notebook : The Musical.” She goes on to fawn over the romance in the story and how well it will be adapted to the stage. ”But what about ‘A Walk To Remember’?” she says. ”That would make a fantastic musical. I just loved how that made me feel. And, of course, Switchfoot would have to have some songs in it.”
Is there a difference in the hyperbolized sexual imagery of typical pornography and the hyperbolized momentary emotional high felt in a romance film or romantic comedy that sends us looking for a ‘love’ that doesn’t exist?
I heard an interview on NPR with a female author named Elizabeth Gilbert. She was talking about the proliferation of the “Soul Mate Complex” in our modern culture and how the film, “Jerry McGuire” served to reinforce it with the now illustrious line, ”You complete me.”
It’s not necessarily only the resulting effects of such a movie that parallels the traditional definition of pornography. Just as there is sexual excitement surrounding the mystery and allure of what flesh might be seen in a movie known for its racy reputation, so too are we drawn in with an anticipation for the emotional and physical high of a romance film.
As a result, we’re taught to crave THE moment of romantic ecstasy or to live for THE wedding day. We’re raised to think these are the real stories of love and relationship, and we’re confused when they are so few and far between that we aren’t sustained. So we turn back to that which led us to believe in this fantasy all along. And we’re left with an old woman sitting alone, in her love seat, in front of the television watching her “stories.”
Kids eventually understand that pumpkins don’t turn to glass carriages and Ferry Godmothers don’t grant wishes, but [many] little girls never grow out of the idea that one day they will be rescued from reality by some magic and a fictitious prince. And little boys never live up to the fantasy of the mind – and they too become unsatisfied when real life sets in.
Next time you’re thinking about seeing a movie, be aware of what’s pulling you toward it. If you decide to watch it, recognize the moment when you feel the emotional reinforcement of fake love. And when you walk out, recognize what you now hope for and expect.
There is such a thing as love. There are beautiful moments. But love is about life. And life is about the long haul. So let’s reinforce and live real love.
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Cole,
It is truly a pleasant surprise that we continue to share the same ideas about so many topics. I could not agree with you more here. I think pornography ruins real physical affection that occurs naturally in a (hopefully) committed relationship by creating an unreal expectation of those intimate moments. And I have been known to say that I think idyllic, romantic situations in media (romantic comedies, dramas, television, books, etc.) often set the same type of unreal expectation of what a real relationship will be like.
i couldn't agree with you more, cole.
this is something that i've struggled with for a while now.
i grew up in a baptist church, and at this church,
their favorite thing to talk to girls about was purity
and how important it is to "wait for your husband."
and while purity is such an important thing to discuss with middle and high school girls
(and boys too), they always romanticized this idea.
and it really did such a disservice to us.
here we were, already obsessed with just the idea of boys,
and they were putting ideas in our heads of this perfect man and flawless marriage.
it definitely made it easier to wait for your prince charming, but how naive!
it wasn't until college that i realized how foolish it was to focus so much on such things.
but we longed to focus on them because it gave us justification for lusting after fairy-tale romance,
instead of nurturing a true relationship with Christ.
The sad thing is that so many are buying in to this lie of fairy tale love that the moment their relationship gets tough, they bail. I think there is a direct correlation between buying the lie and the divorce rate. Thanks for the post Cole.
agreed… for sure.
I think the same was done for guys… just resist sexual temptation… eventually you'll get married.
I'm not married, but from what I've heard, lust doesn't end with marriage.
Can't agree with you more that, with both issues, the solution isn't delayed gratification, but, rather, a commitment to turn our eyes godward.
I don't think you can make a blanket statement and say "but little girls never grow out of the idea that one day they will be rescued from reality by some magic and a fictitious prince."
They aren't all complete unaware of the difficulty of real life.
Props.
I feel so strongly about this and agree with you so much on this issue. Yes, my daughter watches Cinderella and Snow White, but she also sees a Mom and Dad who do life real, hard life stuff together and whose love and affection for one another is not based on whether it's a good or bad day. And I think therein lies a real issue: there are not enough examples of REAL LIFE LOVE. When you witness the real deal, you don't go looking for a fairy tale.
And I totally wouldn't believe in soul mates if I wasn't married to mine.
Agreed…
and looking at your profile and the music you like, you should check out Melody Olson if you haven't already.
http://www.myspace.com/melodyolsonmusic
I level with this so much, Cole.
It seems like to me, in high school, "real love" is unattainable. As were "fake love" is easy to reach. I see so many of my fellow classmates struggling with that truth, but are blind to where the fine lines are.
I think the fake love persona is shown through media and secular books–its sounds easy but its complex. So many teenagers crave love on an intimate level because they have holes in their lives from were a parent, sibling or friend lacks. So they imitate what they see exploited on television, the internet, music and books. They see everyone else doing it so they just join the band wagon. Mostly because it fills the void for a time, and eventually it becomes a struggle all together. For those who don't know what real love is it's tougher. Because they only look for fake love (because they haven't experienced Christ’s love, so therefore they do not understand what real love is.) So when they run after fake love they live in a fantasy. Their vision obscured by what the world says love is, or what they’ve witnessed in their homes.
But once they cross over into Christ’s love it's a battle. People come to a realization that fake love only sustained them “in the moment.” It’s shock to them. They get a reality check and see how real love is about life, and life is difficult. It has it's obstacles and with over coming those things it requires perseverance, constant growth, and spiritual change. Causing them to face things they don't really care to face. With those who give up on living out the hard life, fake love appeals to them by appearing to be “easier.” They see it as comfortable, normal and popular. By the time they buy into that lie they have already chosen fake love-the easy life, over real love-the hard life. Because facing their demons causes too much hurt before the healing. Ultimately they choose to walk away from Christ.
And out in the real world, where fake love dominates the media and poisons its viewers/readers/listeners. Tying them up into bondage of what the world think is love. All the while blind people are leadling blind people.
bravo!
Agreed. This is why I refuse to watch chick flicks.
How many times did I hear "a ring by spring or your money back" a my nice little christian college? It still haunts me.
Unfortunately this "hyperbolized momentary emotional high" is found in books as well. Christian fiction? Ha. I'm safer reading Cosmo.
Oh Cole. I know Michael already mentioned it, but you just can't say things like "…but little girls never grow out of the idea that one day they will be rescued from reality by some magic and a fictitious prince" and not expect to get some sort of reply- especially from me. You can't let bad experiences with women taint the way you see ALL of them. It's true that many men and women are living in the make believe story that Disney handed them at the age of 7. But then, there are the other people, who did grow up, who did come to understand a new identity found in what matters most. There are women (and men) who aren't sitting around waiting for a "soul mate" so that they can start their lives. So yeah, love your thoughts, but those blankets statements are killin' me.
This is your most well written blog to date. Great job my friend.
Oh McKenzie and Michael. I'm glad I can count on the two of you to edit my writings for clarity. I'll go back and add the word "many."
Thank you sir.
Everything in love.
oh wow, thanks for the recommendation. I'm enjoying it very much.
Cole – Thank you so much for exploring topics that others shy away from. I'm only beginning to dig into your site…but so far, it's refreshing to read your words. Whether you're tackling the false persona of love or issues of masculinity, I'm finding myself encouraged and challenged.
I actually interned at Relevant several years ago, and had an incredible summer in Orlando. Status rocked my world. I'm back in Seattle now, but SO glad I came across your site.
Keep it up!! Cheers.
Hi Cole,__Found your website after reading one of your articles on the Relevant site. A couple of things. I agree with you about the imbalance. Let's be honest. A man can't talk about pornography in church. Plain and simple. And women have groups for eating disorders while talking about their romance novels. Both are true. However, I think the grasping towards the 'ideal romance' is as much about what we are lacking in our own lives as what culture sells. I have too many female friends whose boyfriends and husbands are frankly, uninterested. That they want a few hours with a romance novel is not surprising, and something I don't discourage.__
Here's why.__More destructive than pornography and 'emot-porn', if you want to call it that, is the extreme reaction by the church. I was told, and then passed on to my young people as a youth pastor, that sex before marriage was a great evil and would affect them for eternity. Yeah, well, that's not comepletely true. We are told that pornography is damaging and sinful and will stifle your sexual life with your spouse and your relationship with God. Yeah, that's sort of true, but it isn't the complete truth, is it? We all have stuff we deal with. The Bible is more concerned about pride than anything sexual. But sex sells and so the church sells it, whether its pro-sex or anti-sex, it still sells. Somehow in the church we need a little more balance in our views, and a little more honesty. Is porn damaging? Of course. Is it life threatening? Not really.
Being a workaholic or being proud and arrogant are probably worse. How about spousal abuse. It is rampant within the church and no one ever writes about it. It is, by any measure, a far greater evil, as it is often supplemented by complimentarianism, and so our reaction is "meh". __What worries me is that the culture is driving our discussion and Bible topics. Sex is not insignificant, but it isn't THAT important. Neither is romance. A little more balance would go a long way towards balanced conversations that might bring more romance into people's lives.
steve (http://www.stephenburns.ca)
Hey Steve,
Thanks for the thoughts. I agree, we do put a huge emphasis on sex (or no sex) in the church. Good? Bad? Kind of a red herring in this conversation.
My point here wasn't that we need to call out emo-porn more. It was simply to point out that we don't just allow it… we ENCOURAGE and ENDORSE it in many cases, and I think that is detrimental (not life threatening).
Okay. That's true. In the end, it only serves as a replacement for real life and real romance. I agree with you about that, much as I have mixed feelings about Valentine's Day. I'm not a huge fan, because it promotes exactly that — it seems patriarchal and misogynistic, as if we're throwing women a bone. IN traditional marriages, it forces men to 'be romantic' for one day, but it seems to cover the real issue, which is a lack of expressed love the rest of the year, which is perhaps why so many women are encouraged towards the feelings produced by these stories. It is insipid and sad and should push us towards intimacy year round, I think.
Cole,
Thank you for tackling a subject that goes unnoticed so often. Reading books for woman and many christian dating books in earlier years, this idea of 'emotional porn' or 'female porn' was mentioned in a brief paragraph and then the topic turned to internet porn. I don't think people realize how real the first is. I agree with McKenzie that many of us do realize that God has so much more in store in our lives than for us to wait around for prince charming but the possibility for us to be caught up in hollywoodized romance is very real. I find myself often going against the grain and not pursuing the next steamy romance of robert patterson because I know true love is not self-seeking and protects. More than anything, may we lift up one another up in brotherly (sisterly) love and set our eyes on what is pure and noble. Thank you for the post!
{ew}
Great thoughts!
Wow. Just stumbled across this. Well done, and SO true. I've found myself over the past several years trying to gently wake the female dreamers around me to the reality that love is about commitment and decisions, not about feelings and fantasies.
While I'm sure most girls would love to be rescued by their Prince Charming and live happily ever after, it's a very dangerous place to put any man up on that high horse of perfection.
Thanks.
Press on in doing good
I read this article a while back but yesterday during conversation I said that I had decided to refrain from all Nicholas Sparks books. I couldn't really remember where I had gotten the idea from but I knew that I had read somewhere that all those emotional-highs were truly girl porn. As a victim of it myself I couldn't agree more. Just letting you know that almost 3 months after reading the blog post the thoughts still stuck.
Awesome!
totally agree and have been saying it for years. i dated a girl a few years ago at my christian college who had never dated before and would question our relationship because of how little we fought. i attribute this to movies that exhibit relationships infused by dynamic, emotionally driven passion like that found in the notebook. i think many christian girls are susceptible to this, especially those who are saving themselves for that perfect guy and so realistic relationships are foreign to them.
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